mother's day musings

As Mother's Day approaches, I can't help but think about all the changes that have occurred in my life since last Mother's Day.  Most notably, is the fact that my mom died just about six months ago.  I miss her everyday and there are still times I reach for the phone to share a piece of news with her (even though she didn't even have a phone at the end of her life).  So many things that I want to talk to her about - questions about my childhood, news about her grandchildren and the upcoming addition of another great grandchild.  I talk to her everyday.  I wait for the cardinals to come to my bird feeder each day and I talk to them.  Mom and dad hanging at my bird feeder.  Looking in my slider.  Checking up on me.
But my thoughts also turn to my children and my role as their mom.  Their caretaker.  Their cook.  Their chauffeur.  Their cheerleader.  My days of cooking and driving them around have long since passed, but I will forever be their biggest cheerleader.  And the worry never goes away either.  When they were young I would worry - Am I feeding them right? Should they sleep on their backs, sides or tummies?  Should I worry about my thumb suckers teeth?
Today I worry about their safety.  Are they happy?  Are they eating right?  Did I say I love you enough? 
And what is my role now?  My three children are scattered.  One in New Zealand (with is wife and awaiting the birth of their first child).  One in Boston and the youngest is in California.  I try to remember to call New Zealand on weekends, but I forget about time zones and before I know it, it's Sunday night here and they are sound asleep getting ready to face Monday morning.  Even trying to see my daughter who lives in Boston is hard.  She doesn't drive.  She has to work on weekends and before we know it, it has been weeks since we have seen her.  Same with our son in California.  We have all good intentions of catching up on Sunday afternoon, but we can't get him on the phone, we leave a message and by the time he gets to it, it's too late for him to call us.
Yes, my role as a mother changes all the time.  And now I look forward to becoming a grandmother and wonder what that will be like.  
I miss my mom.  I miss my role as a mom - when my kids needed me.  I look forward to my role as a grandmother.  So on this Mother's Day I look back with fondness at old picture of my kids.  I remember my mother and grandmothers and all I learned from them.  And I count the days until I am in Auckland holding my granddaughter and imagining all the times we will share as she grows up.
Remember all the special women in your life this weekend.  Remember all they taught you.  Remember the love.  If you are a mom, Happy Mother's Day.  If you are remembering your own mom this weekend, I hope your memories bring you joy and happiness.
To my children, know that you are loved and that I being your mother is the greatest joy of my life.

Staying Connected in a Global World: A Grandmother's Rant

I am about to become a grandmother.  I am over the moon excited about this.  I have such fond memories of time spent with my grandparents. My kids were lucky enough to have known, not only their grandparents but most of their great grandparents.  Growing up in East Boston and Malden, we were surrounded by family in all directions.  Sunday dinners, holidays, family celebrations.  There was always an occasion for us to be together.  Even when my grandparents moved to the suburbs of Natick and my family moved to Plymouth we still managed to keep those family bonds in tact.
I wanted to be the "Nonni" who babysits, and bakes cookies with my grandchildren.  I wanted my kitchen table to become the place where everyone gathered on a Sunday afternoon.  But in this global world my role as a grandparent will be quite different because my grandchild will be born in NEW ZEALAND!  I will be a digital grandparent.  Facetime will be the thread of our family bonds.  There are times that this realization makes me very sad.  It's hard to be a hands-on, helpful Nonni from the other side of the world.  How is this going to work?  
Are there others of you out there reading this who have experienced this?  How do you form connections and family bonds if you don't have physical contact.  Is Facetime really enough?  I am not making a joke of this.  I am truly troubled by this situation.  
I feel it with my own children.  One son in New Zealand, the other in California.  I am constantly checking time differences before I call them.  Every contact has to be planned.  My daughter is in Boston and even though we talk to each almost every day, I don't get to see her nearly as much as I'd like because of her work schedule.  Sunday is longer a day of rest.  It is just another work day.
We are a society on the move.  We go where the jobs and money are.  We go where we can live the lifestyle that best suits us.  Family connections are formed through technology, not physical contact.  I am not accepting this easily.
We will make this work!!!!  We head to New Zealand in a few weeks to meet our grand daughter.  We are already planning for Christmas and summer vacations.  There will be a lot of planning and not a lot of spontaneous family gatherings.  Facetime will be our "dinner table".  It will be the life line that binds us together.  And when we do get to be physically together, those times will be even more special because we will be working hard to make them happen.
Mike and Jamie have created a beautiful life for themselves in New Zealand.  They have worked hard for it.  I couldn't be prouder of them.  I know they are going to be amazing parents - ready to raise a strong independent daughter.  Even though my role as a grandmother is going to be nothing like my grandmother and mother enjoyed, I am going to savor every moment that I get to spend with her - whether it is in person or on a screen.  I can't wait to start the adventure.

Using Mantras to Create Change

Deepak Chopra defines the use of mantras as "a vehicle that takes you into quieter, more peaceful levels of the mind."  But what is a mantra?  A mantra is a word or phrase you repeat to help you connect to the energy of the universe.  It is believed that incorporating mantras into your daily routine will help you become more focused and centered.  When practiced regularly, they can offer comfort, inspiration, motivation, as well as a sense of calm, peace and balance. 
The use of mantras as a wellness practice has been around for over 3,000 years.  In her book, Mantras Made Easy, Sherianna Boyle compares mantras to "family heirlooms or secret recipes", passed down from generation to generation in the ancient language of Sanskrit.  They were used for healing and spiritual growth. Boyle refers to mantras as "word energy" that one taps into.  "You are not only tapping into the energy of the words, but a level of consciousness that was put into those words by those who repeated it before you."  Therefore, you are not just repeating words, but you are transforming the words into energy and that energy creates a transformation in the physical, emotional and spiritual body.

The power of the mantra comes from the shift in mindset it creates. Research shows that if you constantly repeat negative thoughts about yourself and your situation, you will continue to be in a negative state. Conversely, if you develop a positive outlook about yourself and where you are in life, you will be happier, and will find more joy and peace in everyday experiences. 
Mantras help you see yourself and your life situations in a different, more positive way. 
In my yoga and meditation practices, I use mantras to help me breath properly.  Knowing how to use the breath is important in creating a sense of calm in the body.  Breathing from the belly (inflating the belly as you inhale and allowing it to deflate on the exhale) stimulates the lower lobes of the lungs, which is where the calming nerves are located. 
In using the breath when repeating a mantra, you repeat part of the phrase on the inhale, and the rest of the phrase on the exhale. A simple way to begin a mantra practice is to slowly say "I breathe in" as you inhale and "I breathe out" as you exhale.  Repeat this 10 ten times.  You can practice this in your car sitting in traffic or at a red light.  Use it in the morning to start your day in a positive way.  Try it at night as way to quiet the mind before you go to sleep.  
Other benefits of introducing mantras into your wellness routine...they are free!  You can repeat them anywhere!  You don't need any special equipment!  You can repeat a mantra while walking, gardening, when meditating or praying.  As Boyle states in Mantras Made Easy, "two simple words, such as thank you, can be the mantra you state before meals...or at beginning of your day". 
Beginning Monday, April 22nd, I will be hosting "28 Days of Mantras for Living" on my Facebook page, Lotus Cove Yoga and Meditation.  I will be posting a new video every day (April 22 - May 19) in which I will introduce a new mantra and the meaning behind it.  Most of the mantras will use the power of the breath (inhale/exhale) as explained above.  There will be mantras for happiness, love, healing and overcome fear/anxiety.  



In the meantime, I leave you with the following mantra from Buddha to practice with this week:


Copy/print it and put it on your mirror, your refrigerator or on your dashboard.  Say it when you get up, before you go to bed or while your loading your dishwasher.  Say it several times throughout the day.  Don't just repeat the words, but really think about the meaning and the power of the words.  Let this mantra be your source of inspiration this week.  If you don't think you are on "the path", look for things that come up during your day that help you see that you are either on "the path" or working towards it. Allow the power of this mantra to help you find joy, happiness and gratitude for all you have, especially if you don't see or feel it in this moment.  
Mantras can provide clarity, balance and calm in a world that seems to take these things away.  If you are interested in learning more, you can contact me at sadaley81@gmail.com and you can join Lotus Cove Yoga and Meditation on Facebook.  Join before 
April 22nd so you don't miss any of the "28 Days of Mantras for Living" event.
Namaste💜

Exploring the use of Essential Oils: What you need to know before you buy

The use of Essential Oils has taken off in the past few years.  Proponents of their use claim they can be used for a variety of ailments and conditions, from reducing anxiety, soothing tummy troubles and relieving headaches. I love my oils and use them for every thing from skin care to house cleaning. I no longer use perfume.  Instead, I use some of my favorite oils.  I use them as part of my yoga and meditation practice.  I use them in diffusers to help me sleep and to make my house smell good. The oils are produced from flowers, herbs and trees and each has unique characteristics that provide different benefits. Used in different combinations, you can create blends that can reduce muscle stiffness (no more smelling like BenGay), give you a mental boost when you are feeling sluggish and help calm you when you are feeling unsettled.
The most recent movement towards the use of essential oils probably started with the onset of "aromatherapy" - the  use of the scents of these oils to enhance physical, psychological and spiritual well-being. The most common use of aromatherapy is in the massage industry, where clients can pay an up-charge to have their massage oil smell better.  The scents smell good, so you take deep breaths.  Deep breathing slows the nervous system and helps to relax and calm you down.  The more relaxed you are, the more beneficial your massage will be.  If it smells good, you will take nice deep breaths and if you take nice deep breaths, you will relax.  Seems simple enough, but there is so much to learn as you begin your journey with essential oils.
As an essential oil consumer, you have to do your homework!  Not all essential oils are created equal.  The manufacturing of these oils is not regulated by any governing body.  This leaves the consumer to fend for themselves when purchasing essential oils. How do you know you are getting a high quality, pure oil, that isn't diluted with lower quality oils or artificial ingredients?  Always look for the word "essential".  This indicates that you aren't just buying "perfumed oil" that contains no plant material.  Other indicators that you are buying true "essential oils" are the use of amber or blue glass bottles (to protect against sunlight) and price.  Real essential oils are not inexpensive.  Do your homework. My friend, Melissa Osborn, is a doTerra Oil Wellness Advocate.  When I asked her about choosing the right oil she says "it's crucial to know where your oils are sourced from, and that they are tested for purity.  doTerra has a stellar reputation" in this area.*  Read the labels and be very careful of the words being use to describe the product.  
Marketing can be very deceiving.  Like any product that comes to  the market claiming health benefits, be cautious of words like "cures", "prevents" and "treats".  These words are big red flags.  Some manufacturers are using the term "therapeutic grade" to make you think their oil is pure.  This term is purely for marketing purposes. 
Essential oils can be delivered in a variety of ways.  Room diffusers distribute the scent of the oil through a fine mist. Ultra sonic models cost a bit more, but will distribute the scent over a larger area. You can inhale some oils directly from your hand or a cotton ball.  They can be also be applied topically (directly to the skin), in a bath or in a carrier oil (olive oil, coconut oil, almond oil are common).  The use of oils directly to the skin, requires some research as some oils (citrus oils especially) can irritate the skin, especially with prolonged exposure to sunlight after application. 
Always inform your medical professionals before using essential oils.  They may affect how your body reacts to some medications.  You should also consult your pediatrician before using essential oils with children under the age of 5 years old. And never apply essential oils directly on pets.
While there is no governing body or regulations regarding the manufacturing and marketing of essential oils, there is an organization called The National Association for Holistic Aromatherapy (naha.org) that can help you with questions about the safe use of essential oils. I have gained a lot of my knowledge about essential oils from Melissa. When I asked her to share her thoughts on the growing use of essential oils she shared with me that the use of oils can "improve physical and emotional health without the harmful side effects that many medications offer".  Let me stress, essential oils should not be used as a substitute for prescription medication.  It is worth repeating again.  Always consult your health care professional  before  using any essential oil.
My experience with essential oils started with a yoga class with Melissa. She uses essential oils to enhance her yoga classes. She includes essential oils because of their "emotional and physical benefits".  As she explains to her students, "As we mindfully use our bodies, we can also use the oils to mindfully assist in shifting our emotional state. We can move from stressed to calm, sluggish to uplifted.  It's a natural compliment to the yoga practice." As a regular at her Saturday Morning Aromayoga class, I can tell you we all enjoy the addition of the oils to our practice.   
I asked her a lot of questions and she guided me through the process of choosing my first oils.  She asked about my lifestyle and areas in my body where I felt I was holding tension.  I started with lavender (my favorite flower), lemon (I love citrus scents and peppermint (another favorite scent).  That was a little over a year ago.  Since then, my oil collection has grown.  I have educated myself about how different oils work together to create uplifting, calming and soothing blends and now I use essential oils with my yoga students.  
The use of essential oils is a safe, natural way to support your physical and mental health.  I have included a quick reference chart at the end of this post.   If you are interested in learning more about the use of essential oils, please contact me at sadaley81@gmail.com.    



*While this post is not intended to be an advertisement for doTerra oils, they are the ones I use.  The company has a trusted reputation in the way they source and produce their oils. 

**DO NOT USE ESSENTIAL OILS AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR ANY PRESCRIBED MEDICATION

***DISCUSS THE USE OF ANY ESSENTIAL OIL WITH YOUR HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL BEFORE USE

Problem/Concern	Suggested Oil	Method of Delivery
Sleeping Problems	Lavender Frankincense Marjoram	Diffuse Inhale Mist on pillow
Stress/Anxiety	Lavender Frankincense Marjoram Geranium Cedar wood Any citrus oil	Diffuse Inhale Rub on temples Rub on back of neck Rub on pulse points
Boosting Immune	Eucalyptus Rosemary Melaleuca Any citrus oil Any mint oil	Diffuse Inhale
Nausea/Digestive Issues	Peppermint Ginger Wild Orange Chamomile	Diffuse Inhale Rub in/around belly button
Headaches	Peppermint Lavender	Diffuse Inhale Apply to temples
Uplifting Mood/Alertness	Eucalyptus Cedarwood Any citrus oil Any mint oil	Inhale Diffuse Apply to pulse points

Lessons learned from Loss

I have many resources for my writing prompts.  One of my favorites is Meera Lee Patel's book Start Where You Are.  It is a beautifully illustrated book of quotes and accompanying writing prompts.
Recently, the quote I came upon was "when you lose, don't lose the lesson", by the Dalai Lama.  The writing prompt was as follows:
"Think of something you lost recently.  What are two positive insights you gained from the experience? " 
I thought back over the past few days and couldn't think of anything I had lost.  Thought back over the past few weeks and still couldn't think of anything that had gone missing.  But one phrase kept running through my mind - I had lost my mother!
Now I never understood the use of the word "lost" to refer to someone's dying.  When something is lost, it is implied it can be found. I didn't need to "find" my mother.  I know where she is! As I believe, she has taken her spot in heaven with my dad and grandparents and everyone else who went before her. But the expression kept popping into my head...I lost my mother.
Instead of fighting this idea I decided to explore it more deeply.  
I had "lost" my mother just before Thanksgiving. But in actuality, she was gone long before she died.  Mom had Alzheimer's.  Over the years we lost pieces of her - her stories, her smile, the twinkle in her eyes.  Her spirit had been stolen by this horrible disease.  
In her book, Learning to Speak Alzheimer's, Joanne Koenig Coste describes Alzheimer's as "one of the great scourges of old age in the twenty-first century".  Luckily, government and medical agencies have continued to increase funding and research for the cause and possible cures for the disease that effects millions. But there is still so much that is unknown about how the disease begins and how to stop it.
As for my mother's journey with Alzheimer's it began as most - misplacing the keys; forgetting where the car was parked; repetition of the same stories over and over again.  She became unable to keep up with conversations around the table.  She became quiet and withdrawn.  She forgot how to cook.  She forgot the names of her grandchildren and great grandchildren.  She struggled to remember my name and the names of my siblings.  When we went to visit, her expression was so sad as she struggled to put the pieces of the puzzle together.  Who is this person?  "I think I know you, but I don't know how".  
And as her child, I wanted to go in and give her a big hug and kiss hello, but sometimes she seemed so frightened.  I wanted to have conversations with her - tell her about her grandchildren, things I was doing, trips I had taken.  What I would give to hear one of those stories that she repeated over and over again one more time.
As I continued to write down all the things I "lost" as my mother battled Alzheimer's, I started to think about the "positive insights"
I was supposed to be reflecting on.  What positive insights could possibly come from such a devastating disease?  And the more I thought about it, I did start to discover some things I learned about myself and how I was dealing with the loss of my mother (even though she was still alive) and they were positive. 
I had to create a new relationship with her.  As much as I wanted to walk in and hug and kiss her and tell her about what was going on in my life, it wasn't what she needed.  I learned to slow down and see where she was at any given moment.  Sometimes she could be quite funny and engaging in her own new way.  I learned to appreciate any time she was chatty.  I learned to let her take the lead.  She was living in a whole new world.  She told great stories that helped her keep things logical and in order.  Even though her past memories were gone, she kept these stories straight.  Like the one about how she was taking care of the children who lived in this house while their parents were away.  The children were dolls.  She loved them.  She used her walker as a stroller to take them everywhere she went.  She referred to all her family pictures as "theirs" and commented on how big that family was.  I learned to put myself in her world instead of trying to keep her in mine.
We were so lucky as we continued on this journey with her.  She had a wonderful neurologist who encouraged us to educate ourselves about the disease and its progression.  When my dad died we were lucky to find a spot in an assisted living facility that also had a Memory Care Unit.  When mom became unable to care for herself, we did not have to leave the facility.  She was able to move to the Memory Care Unit.  For as long as she was able, she would go over to the assisted living side for sing-a-longs, bingo and art class.  We were so blessed that she was in a facility where people knew her, loved her and cared for us, as well.  
Alzheimer's changed my family.  We all dealt with the downward progression in different ways. I learned there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve through the process of the disease.  In the course of a single day, each of us would see different things in our mother.  She would almost always recognize my sister, and almost never recognized me.  I didn't love my mother (or my sister) any less because of this.  We each had different times of day when we could visit, so we saw different parts of her day.  If  we got there in the morning she was (at times) more alert and engaging.  If we visited late in the day she would be more quiet and confused about where she was and why she was there.  Every visit presented a new challenge.  And each of us handled these challenges in the best way we could.
I have been writing and rewriting this post for days.  I have deleted it so many times, thinking that it is too sad a subject to share in a blog post.  I looked through some of the notes I had written while reading Learning to Speak Alzheimer's.  I remembered how much comfort I got from reading the book, learning more about the progression of the disease and that what we were experiencing was all part of the process.  The truth is the disease has a profound effect on the family of the person who is diagnosed.  And the sad truth is, many of my friends are now dealing with a family member who has been diagnosed.  If you find yourself on this path, I encourage you to create a support system.  Go to doctor's appointments and share your observations with your loved one's doctor.  Join the local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association.  Educate yourself about the disease; the causes, the latest research, and how it progresses. Remember that you are not alone.  Find the resources that best suit you and your needs.
I lost my mother.  I lost her to Alzheimer's.  Because of this disease, I lost little pieces of her at a time. And each time I lost a piece of her, I had to learn a new way to love the mother I had left.

Varsity Blues - Part 2

As the fallout from the "Varsity Blues" scandal continues to stay in the headlines, I continue to ask myself how we ever got to this point.  The defendants in this case are starting to make their court appearances in Boston Federal Court.  A circus atmosphere is already starting to develop, as reporters from all over the country, perhaps the world, file the paperwork needed to get a front row seat inside the courtroom.  This is going to turn into a media circus, with paparazzi following the stars (defendants) around commenting on hair and clothes.  Defendants will be rushed in and out of court behind big sunglasses and throngs of security.  And the real crime will be a forgotten footnote.  We will hear about the suffering their children have had to endure...the embarrassment, the damage to their reputations.  There will be excuses..."I just wanted the best for my child".  "I didn't think I was doing anything illegal".  "Our family has suffered enough." 
So on this Friday afternoon I share with you an article that was shared with me.  I do not know who the original author is.  I have found it reprinted on several sites on the internet.  It is about a speech a college baseball coach gave at a convention in January 1996.  While the message may have been intended for coaches, it is also a very important message for parents and teachers today.  Please read it all the way through.  It is so worth the time.  

Twenty years ago, in Nashville, Tennessee, during the first week of January, 1996, more than 4,000 baseball coaches descended upon the Opryland Hotel for the 52nd annual ABCA's convention.

While I waited in line to register with the hotel staff, I heard other more veteran coaches rumbling about the lineup of speakers scheduled to present during the weekend. One name kept resurfacing, always with the same sentiment — “John Scolinos is here? Oh, man, worth every penny of my airfare.”

Who is John Scolinos, I wondered. No matter; I was just happy to be there.

In 1996, Coach Scolinos was 78 years old and five years retired from a college coaching career that began in 1948. He shuffled to the stage to an impressive standing ovation, wearing dark polyester pants, a light blue shirt, and a string around his neck from which home plate hung — a full-sized, stark-white home plate.

Seriously, I wondered, who is this guy?

After speaking for twenty-five minutes, not once mentioning the prop hanging around his neck, Coach Scolinos appeared to notice the snickering among some of the coaches. Even those who knew Coach Scolinos had to wonder exactly where he was going with this, or if he had simply forgotten about home plate since he’d gotten on stage. Then, finally …

“You’re probably all wondering why I’m wearing home plate around my neck,” he said, his voice growing irascible. I laughed along with the others, acknowledging the possibility. “I may be old, but I’m not crazy. The reason I stand before you today is to share with you baseball people what I’ve learned in my life, what I’ve learned about home plate in my 78 years.” 

Several hands went up when Scolinos asked how many Little League coaches were in the room. “Do you know how wide home plate is in Little League?”

After a pause, someone offered, “Seventeen inches?”, more of a question than answer.

“That’s right,” he said. “How about in Babe Ruth’s day? Any Babe Ruth coaches in the house?” Another long pause.

“Seventeen inches?” a guess from another reluctant coach.

“That’s right,” said Scolinos. “Now, how many high school coaches do we have in the room?” Hundreds of hands shot up, as the pattern began to appear. “How wide is home plate in high school baseball?”

“Seventeen inches,” they said, sounding more confident.

“You’re right!” Scolinos barked. “And you college coaches, how wide is home plate in college?”

“Seventeen inches!” we said, in unison.

“Any Minor League coaches here? How wide is home plate in pro ball?”............“Seventeen inches!”

“RIGHT! And in the Major Leagues, how wide home plate is in the Major Leagues?

“Seventeen inches!”

“SEV-EN-TEEN INCHES!” he confirmed, his voice bellowing off the walls. “And what do they do with a Big League pitcher who can’t throw the ball over seventeen inches?” Pause. “They send him to Pocatello !” he hollered, drawing raucous laughter. “What they don’t do is this: they don’t say, ‘Ah, that’s okay, Jimmy. If you can’t hit a seventeen-inch target? We’ll make it eighteen inches or nineteen inches. We’ll make it twenty inches so you have a better chance of hitting it. If you can’t hit that, let us know so we can make it wider still, say twenty-five inches.'” 

Pause. “Coaches… what do we do when your best player shows up late to practice? or when our team rules forbid facial hair and a guy shows up unshaven? What if he gets caught drinking? Do we hold him accountable? Or do we change the rules to fit him? Do we widen home plate? "

The chuckles gradually faded as four thousand coaches grew quiet, the fog lifting as the old coach’s message began to unfold. He turned the plate toward himself and, using a Sharpie, began to draw something. When he turned it toward the crowd, point up, a house was revealed, complete with a freshly drawn door and two windows. “This is the problem in our homes today. With our marriages, with the way we parent our kids. With our discipline.

We don’t teach accountability to our kids, and there is no consequence for failing to meet standards. We just widen the plate!”

Pause. Then, to the point at the top of the house he added a small American flag. “This is the problem in our schools today. The quality of our education is going downhill fast and teachers have been stripped of the tools they need to be successful, and to educate and discipline our young people. We are allowing others to widen home plate! Where is that getting us?”

Silence. He replaced the flag with a Cross. “And this is the problem in the Church, where powerful people in positions of authority have taken advantage of young children, only to have such an atrocity swept under the rug for years. Our church leaders are widening home plate for themselves! And we allow it.”

“And the same is true with our government. Our so-called representatives make rules for us that don’t apply to themselves. They take bribes from lobbyists and foreign countries. They no longer serve us. And we allow them to widen home plate! We see our country falling into a dark abyss while we just watch.”

I was amazed. At a baseball convention where I expected to learn something about curve balls and bunting and how to run better practices, I had learned something far more valuable.

From an old man with home plate strung around his neck, I had learned something about life, about myself, about my own weaknesses and about my responsibilities as a leader. I had to hold myself and others accountable to that which I knew to be right, lest our families, our faith, and our society continue down an undesirable path.

“If I am lucky,” Coach Scolinos concluded, “you will remember one thing from this old coach today. It is this: "If we fail to hold ourselves to a higher standard, a standard of what we know to be right; if we fail to hold our spouses and our children to the same standards, if we are unwilling or unable to provide a consequence when they do not meet the standard; and if our schools & churches & our government fail to hold themselves accountable to those they serve, there is but one thing to look forward to …”

With that, he held home plate in front of his chest, turned it around, and revealed its dark black backside, “…We have dark days ahead!.”

Note: Coach Scolinos died in 2009 at the age of 91, but not before touching the lives of hundreds of players and coaches, including mine. Meeting him at my first ABCA convention kept me returning year after year, looking for similar wisdom and inspiration from other coaches. He is the best clinic speaker the ABCA has ever known because he was so much more than a baseball coach. His message was clear: “Coaches, keep your players—no matter how good they are—your own children, your churches, your government, and most of all, keep yourself at seventeen inches."

And this my friends is what our country has become and what is wrong with it today, and now go out there and fix it!

"Don't widen the plate."

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Musings for a Sunday Afternoon

THOUGHTS ABOUT THE "VARSITY BLUES" SCANDAL

I have been reading with a slight bit of amusement and a fair amount of disgust about the recent scandal to rock higher education.  As a parent and teacher I am dismayed to think that parents would sink to this level of entitlement to get their kids into college.  But what  concerns me more is the bigger issue of parents who never allow their children to fail.

Now let me start but saying what I have said before - I was not a perfect parent!  I made plenty of mistakes along the way.  But that is how you learn and when you learn you can do better. And this is the huge life lesson these parents are not allowing their children to experience.  

Last week the nytimes.com published a great article entitled, "How Parents Are Robbing Their Children of Adulthood" (thank you John for sharing the link with me).  The authors, Claire Cain Miller and Jonah Engel Bromwich  talk about something called "snowplow parents" - the practice of keeping the children's path in life obstacle-free.  "Snowplow parents" differ from "helicopter parents" in that they don't just "hover anxiously" over their children's activities.  They are "clearing any obstacles in their child's path to success, so they don't have to encounter failure or frustration".

Does this sound crazy to anyone else?  Now I know when our children are born they do not come with an instruction manual.  A lot of child rearing is trying, failing and trying again.  Most of life centers around this principle.  What is the message these parents are sending to their children.  While they think they are "helping" their children achieve their hopes and dreams do they not see the more damaging message they are sending - "I don't think you are strong enough or smart enough to handle this on your own".  And make no mistake, these parents have been  clearing away obstacles since these kids were in diapers.  

Towards the end of my career as a preschool teacher, the idea that "everyone has to win" started to get legs.  Classroom games couldn't have a "winner".  You couldn't recognize children for their extra effort in class. Trophies for everyone!  Where is the incentive to try to do your best? I worry about these kids as they move into college and the work force.  They are so used to having everything handed to them.  They don't know how to deal with someone saying "no" to them.  They cannot deal with failure.  They don't see the value of failure!

Every parent wants the best for their kid.  But you can't do the work for them.  At some point they have to learn to take care of themselves, to clean up after themselves and to take responsibility for the choices they make.  And you have to start teaching those lessons and providing the opportunities (even to fail) at an early age.  If you dump all your toys on the floor, you have to pick them up.  If you forget to do your homework, you have to explain to the teacher why it didn't get done.  If you forget to put your skates in the hockey bag then I guess you won't be playing in the game.  

Actions have consequences!  My husband and I tried to raise our kids with this idea.  It's how we were raised.  We work hard and take pride in our accomplishments.  Our kids are hard working.  They take responsibility for their mistakes (and there have been some really tough ones) and they've learned from them. 

The extreme of this "snowplow" behavior is this current scandal.  The parents involved in it have robbed their kids of so much!  But maybe if the parents can't learn from their mistakes, the kids can.  Hopefully this will be a wake up call for parents.  You can't be a "helicopter" or a "snowplow".  You can just be there.  Teach them how to do the laundry.  Teach them how to cook.  Let them learn from their mistakes (red shirts don't get washed with white socks).  Allow them the opportunity to grow and learn without you constantly clearing the way for them.  

These children are our future.  I for one want our future leaders to know how to deal with people, how to handle disappointment.  I want them to know how to problem solve.  None of these things happen when parents think it's OK to buy their children's way in the world.  It won't happen when parents don't allow their children to fail.  And it won't happen if parents don't stop putting their competitiveness and sense of privilege above their children's well being. And if we don't stop, this cycle will just continue to spin out of control. And then where will we be?

Friday Fun

HAPPY FRIDAY

Happy Friday everyone.  What is it about a Friday that makes everyone feel a little brighter.  The prospect of a couple of days off.  A couple of days where you might not have to set your alarm.  Maybe it's the ability to stay in your pajamas and enjoy a second cup of coffee.  Things are more relaxed.  Perhaps you're looking forward to a weekend run or bike ride.  Perhaps a walk in the woods or on the beach is on your calendar. Whatever the weekend has in store, Fridays just seem a bit different from the rest of the week.

And this is the first weekend of Spring which makes this weekend seem a little bit special.  What will you do this weekend to bring on the feeling of Spring?  Is March Madness the sign of Spring for you?  Do you have your brackets picked and ready to settle in for a weekend of college basketball.  The Home Show is at Gillette Stadium.  Will you be taking in the show to see what's new for indoor and outdoor living?  Have you seen any crocuses yet.  For me that is a sure sign of Spring.  

So my plan for this first weekend of Spring is to pack up winter.  I am feeling optimistic and plan on packing up the hats, scarves and mittens.  I hope it is just warm enough to open up the windows and sliders and let the fresh air in and the stale winter air out.  

So whatever your weekend brings, embrace this new season.  Perhaps clean out the flower beds or plan your vegetable garden.  Spend some time outside!  Take that walk, run or bike ride.  This is a time of renewal.  Why not renew yourself!  Do something special just for you this weekend.

SO, Happy Friday! Have fun.  Be safe and enjoy your weekend.

Wellness Wednesday: Morning Routines

The Importance of a Morning Routine

Not so long ago, my morning routine consisted of sleeping until the last possible moment, then watching the morning news shows while I drank my coffee.  If I didn't have an early morning class to teach, the morning routine would stretch into another cup of coffee and another morning show.  Before I knew it, it was 9 or 10:00 and I had accomplished nothing.  And that would set the tone for the day.  I was lazy and unmotivated to do anything more than what I absolutely had to get done.  I didn't like myself or the rut I had put myself in.  I needed a little inspiration and was ready for a change.  I couldn't continue to waste my days without a purpose or focus.  I was just going through the motions and it was a very unsatisfying way to go through life.  
That's when I discovered the idea of a #MindsetReset. If you change the way you think, you can change the way you do.  This is the brain child of Mel Robbins.  She is a motivational speaker, but what makes her different is that she backs up her ideas with science.  And what she talks about makes so much sense (if you are unfamiliar with her, Google her).  
Having nothing to lose, I decided to give her theory a try.  So I started the new year off by NOT making any resolutions. Resolutions are too big an idea, with no real plan.  That's why people can't keep them.  Instead I set a goal for myself - a measurable and achievable goal.  I was going to make better use of my morning!  I was going to take the first 15 -20 minutes of each day for me.  My thinking being that if I started the day doing something positive for myself, I would stay positive and focused throughout the day.  
Well guess what?  It worked!  It was hard the first few days.  I didn't really know what to do.  So I made a plan.  First I would meditate - just a few deep breaths to get the energy moving through my body (something I never seemed to have enough time for), then I would read my inspirational quote for the day (I had just pick up a new book).  Next, I would write in my journal (also a new purchase).  Finally, I would go through my calendar to check on appointments for the day.  Creating this time for myself was a game changer.  Instead of putting these things at the end of the day and never getting to them, they are now my first priority.  I am my first priority.  
This time in the morning gives me a chance to focus on the things I need to do for the day.  I schedule in my workout time as well.  If it goes in the calendar, it is a commitment!  I wouldn't cancel a doctor's appointment or an important meeting.  Why would I cancel out on doing something that is going to improve my physical and mental health.  

I became very goal oriented.  I learned that setting a small goal and making a plan to achieve it helps to keep that goal attainable.  I shared this idea with my R!E!A!C!H! followers on Facebook and we spent the the month of February completing a program I designed called "Start Where You Are". It was a series of daily videos.  Everyday I would share an inspirational quote and then I gave them a prompt - an idea to get them to think about where they were and what little things they go do to create change in their lives.  We talked a lot about setting goals (big and small) and how to create a plan to achieve them. I did the program along with everyone else.  I learned so much about myself and what I am capable of  if I stay positive and focused.  

And now here I am writing this blog...something that was never on my radar.  But a funny thing has happened since the first of the year.  I just keep setting goals and looking for new challenges.  I have found my voice and I have ideas I want to write about and share with anyone who is interested in reading and going on the journey with me.

And it all started because I decided to give myself a gift; the gift of time.  Time for myself.  Time to focus on me.  I sleep better at night.  I get up most mornings before the alarm goes off.  I stick with my routine and I am so much more productive.  I feel better about myself.  I am confident and have a more positive outlook.  I know I am a better person because I treat myself better.  

One little change set off a chain reaction.  What is the one little change you could make today that would set you on your path to achieving a goal you have for yourself.  Change the way you think! Change the way you do!  

Would you like more information about how to break goals down to make them achievable.  Contact me at sadaley81@gmail.com.

I can help you identify a goal and then help you create steps to achieve it.  

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day.  The one day of the year that everyone is Irish!  There is lots of green and talk of "Luck of the Irish".  I don't really understand the phrase, because if you look back through history they have not been the luckiest group of people. But it did get me thinking about luck.  It's been a topic of discussion this week, so I thought I would add my thoughts and share some science about luck.  
I am a follower of Mel Robbins and she wrote a great piece this week about luck.  Turns out the things I have been sharing about having a positive attitude play a part in creating luck in your life.  One of the things I like about Mel is that she always has research and science to back up what she is saying. So she sited research done by Dr. Richard Wiseman, who was interested in why luck appeared for some and not for others.  This is what he concluded - "lucky people are lucky because they think and act in ways that lead to good luck". I will include the link at the end of this post so you can read more about the study.  But the upshot is, that your brain has a filtering system called the RAS (Reticular Activating System) that "looks for the things" you are looking for.  Now this system gets programmed from childhood, so if you experienced trauma or anxiety, that is what your RAS continues to looks for.  But Dr. Wiseman's study showed that you can reprogram your RAS to look for positivity.  When you look for it, you will start to see more of if around you.
Mel goes on to explain that people with a positive attitude believe good thinks will happen to them (luck). 
So now we have some science to back up the importance of having a positive attitude.  A positive attitude leads to a happy and more fulfilling life, which leads to a greater sense of wellness.  If you feel well, you do well. And when you do well you are more optimistic about your life.  You want others to do well and experience what you are feeling and your circle of joy and happiness gets bigger. 
So, on this St. Patrick's day, you might not find a four leaf clover or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  You may not win the lottery, but you won't win if you don't play.  You can't be happy in life if you don't live your life.  
Let today be the day you start to see life in a more positive way.  Don't be afraid to try something new.  Live your life with a sense of wonder.  See the good around you.  Surround yourself with people who want good things for you.  The more you focus on the good things in your life, the more good things will come your way.
Read Mel Robbins complete article about luck here: https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/#inbox/FMfcgxwBWKQvVMjNSXHjgGlRfRhtfDvZ