Musings for a Sunday Afternoon

THOUGHTS ABOUT THE "VARSITY BLUES" SCANDAL

I have been reading with a slight bit of amusement and a fair amount of disgust about the recent scandal to rock higher education.  As a parent and teacher I am dismayed to think that parents would sink to this level of entitlement to get their kids into college.  But what  concerns me more is the bigger issue of parents who never allow their children to fail.

Now let me start but saying what I have said before - I was not a perfect parent!  I made plenty of mistakes along the way.  But that is how you learn and when you learn you can do better. And this is the huge life lesson these parents are not allowing their children to experience.  

Last week the nytimes.com published a great article entitled, "How Parents Are Robbing Their Children of Adulthood" (thank you John for sharing the link with me).  The authors, Claire Cain Miller and Jonah Engel Bromwich  talk about something called "snowplow parents" - the practice of keeping the children's path in life obstacle-free.  "Snowplow parents" differ from "helicopter parents" in that they don't just "hover anxiously" over their children's activities.  They are "clearing any obstacles in their child's path to success, so they don't have to encounter failure or frustration".

Does this sound crazy to anyone else?  Now I know when our children are born they do not come with an instruction manual.  A lot of child rearing is trying, failing and trying again.  Most of life centers around this principle.  What is the message these parents are sending to their children.  While they think they are "helping" their children achieve their hopes and dreams do they not see the more damaging message they are sending - "I don't think you are strong enough or smart enough to handle this on your own".  And make no mistake, these parents have been  clearing away obstacles since these kids were in diapers.  

Towards the end of my career as a preschool teacher, the idea that "everyone has to win" started to get legs.  Classroom games couldn't have a "winner".  You couldn't recognize children for their extra effort in class. Trophies for everyone!  Where is the incentive to try to do your best? I worry about these kids as they move into college and the work force.  They are so used to having everything handed to them.  They don't know how to deal with someone saying "no" to them.  They cannot deal with failure.  They don't see the value of failure!

Every parent wants the best for their kid.  But you can't do the work for them.  At some point they have to learn to take care of themselves, to clean up after themselves and to take responsibility for the choices they make.  And you have to start teaching those lessons and providing the opportunities (even to fail) at an early age.  If you dump all your toys on the floor, you have to pick them up.  If you forget to do your homework, you have to explain to the teacher why it didn't get done.  If you forget to put your skates in the hockey bag then I guess you won't be playing in the game.  

Actions have consequences!  My husband and I tried to raise our kids with this idea.  It's how we were raised.  We work hard and take pride in our accomplishments.  Our kids are hard working.  They take responsibility for their mistakes (and there have been some really tough ones) and they've learned from them. 

The extreme of this "snowplow" behavior is this current scandal.  The parents involved in it have robbed their kids of so much!  But maybe if the parents can't learn from their mistakes, the kids can.  Hopefully this will be a wake up call for parents.  You can't be a "helicopter" or a "snowplow".  You can just be there.  Teach them how to do the laundry.  Teach them how to cook.  Let them learn from their mistakes (red shirts don't get washed with white socks).  Allow them the opportunity to grow and learn without you constantly clearing the way for them.  

These children are our future.  I for one want our future leaders to know how to deal with people, how to handle disappointment.  I want them to know how to problem solve.  None of these things happen when parents think it's OK to buy their children's way in the world.  It won't happen when parents don't allow their children to fail.  And it won't happen if parents don't stop putting their competitiveness and sense of privilege above their children's well being. And if we don't stop, this cycle will just continue to spin out of control. And then where will we be?